I am 8 Years Old Today

My new life began eight years ago today. It has been a great passage, filled with more adventure, revelations and hard work than I could have imagined. The journey has yielded invaluable lessons in surrendering and receiving, as well as also how one can clutch to the past. I look back now, over these eight cycles considering what has passed away, and what wishes to continue forth. Today I give profound honor to one of my great initiators, my wonderful husband Christopher, Christ-bearer, who died eight years ago today of cancer. His return home was the gateway into my new life. He is Saint Christopher in my life now, a protector on my journeys, a baptizer, a giver of the staff of life that now bears fruit, and a guardian at the thresholds seeking to the serve the greatest Spirit…

On Vashon Island with beloved Rowdy

I laid out a spread from my Oracle of Initiation divination deck asking what has been released and what wishes to be reclaimed. The deck has been one of the astonishing blessings that appeared during this quest of emergence. The Oracle was created directly out of my own process of redefining the challenges I faced throughout my life, and especially the last eight years, embracing the creativity and gifts within my struggles. The Oracle deck is how I recognized my own Rainbows in the Dark, the juice, passion and power within my shadows and complexities.

The three cards representing what I have released over the last eight years are:

58. Remembrance; 36. Trust; 31. Knowing. Both Remembrance and Trust are reversed.

The three cards  representing what I am reclaiming as I move forward are:

51. Refining; 55. Alignment; 63. Regeneration. All three of these are reversed.

A little background on the Oracle deck. There are eight stages within the deck, eight levels one passes through within a process of spiritual transformation. I directly experienced this progression within my own journey of renewal. In the reading above, four of the stages are represented:  Discernment; Alliance; Offering; and Unity. Each of these four sections speaks to a series of trials and tests we may experience during a pathway of spiritual awakening. The levels also speak to the gifts and transformations available by meeting the challenges and claiming the courage, compassion and depth within the process. The reversals speak to a possibility emerging; an opportunity that is waiting to sprout. Reversals can also be something you have overcome, old patterns that have been shifted.

When I look to the three cards representing what has been released, it speaks to the claiming of my power and knowing. 58. Remembrance, is the card of reconnection to ones ancient knowing. It is the card of Divinity reclaimed, the willingness to journey down Alice’s rabbit hole returning with insights, wisdom and skills for our modern era. In its reversed position it speaks to my underworld journey traveling between the realms and rekindling those channels of knowing. It resides within the Unity section, the re-union with our essential illumination and essence.

36. Trust has been one of my greatest challenges in this lifetime. Trusting myself, trusting the Universe, trusting others, I got it all. For many years I was isolated from my true essence, feeling a sense of abandonment and detachment from my relationship to Source. Reclaiming trust has been my greatest transformation, recognizing the fact that I am always guided, supported and greatly loved. I still need refreshers now and again, but it is anchored much more solidly than it was in the past. Hallelujah. It also speaks to the golden glow of trusting your own instincts and inner fire. Trust is within the Alliance section of the Oracle. The stage where you open to a broader and more refined view of universal connection, relying on your Spirit Guides and earthly soul family’s collaboration on your path of evolution.

31. Knowing in the ancient magical child who is both wise and enchanted. She has a directness and power in her gaze; she wears the cape of glowing rainbows. She is the Guardian of all our indigenous knowing, she is fierce and strong and true. She has no doubt of her worth and rightful place as a Holy One. She is dark. She is fertile. She is the power in the subterranean forest we all must meet to reach our wholeness. In order to carry true illumination, we need to integrate the paradox of our sparkling darkness. She carries all that is, she is the Sun and the Moon, the fullness and the constriction, all colors within the void. Knowing resides in the Discernment section of the deck, the stage after the initiatory breakdowns when you embrace your instinctual wisdom and begin the resurrection process with greater clarity and intuitive insight.

Honoring Christopher

He was so alive. He climbed mountains, painted allegories, embodied chivalry, traveled the world, adored his clan, devoted himself to beauty, loved his work, recognized magic, and was funny as hell. He was a chameleon, at home in both the natural world and urban environments. His Virgo had such a sense of decorum, propriety and respect, but not in a constricting way. He also had one of the finest design and aesthetic awarenesses of any straight man I have known. And he knew how to love. Thank you Gram-bits, R & D. You gifted the world with a being who knew his worth.

Beloved Roberta

There are some interesting Saint Christopher parallels with Chris’s life and death. The Myth of St. Christopher is that he chose to serve God by ferrying people across a dangerous river. He was a giant who used his immense size to navigate a difficult channel. One day a small child asked to be transported, and Christopher waded thought the water with his staff supporting their passage. The child became almost unbearably heavy, but St. Christopher labored through it, almost sinking and baptizing them both. On the other side of the river he asked the child what happened, and the infant reveled he was Jesus and Christopher had been carrying the weight of the worlds sins. After this great offering St. Christopher’s staff was given the power to sprout leaves and bear fruit. His bravery and dedication to supporting other’s passages is why he is the patron saint of travelers.

I do believe my Christopher was baptized and renewed during his ordeal. He crossed the river between the worlds, and became holy from his initiatory trials. As Sonya Lea said in a Tarot reading after his death {she was one of the first people he came to directly-in Spirit-after his death. He always shows up in our readings together}, he thanked me for my support because he had transformed from a knight to a king through this ordeal. Soon after his death, on the rugged Pacific Northwest coast, he gifted me with three things along my beach walk. The first item was a little plastic knight figure, the second was a little pink cross, and the third was a beautiful wooden staff. He laid out in offerings the journey he achieved, gifting me with my own staff of resurrection from the process.   I have been walking with its support since.

My Staff from Christopher

A story about his sense of humor. We were both stubborn and opinionated {I’ve left that all behind-wink-wink}, so our shared sense of delight and play helped get us through some bucking of horns. One day we were in need of an energy shift, and he picked up an empty paper-towel tube and barked at me through it in a funny voice… Mission accomplished, giggles ensued. Well, as a “happy marriage tool” I took two of those tubes, writing “his,” and “hers” on each one. We kept them in the kitchen and at opportune moments would bust them out to shift the dynamics. Try it, its fun.

So here I am, eight years later, and what do I choose to bring forth from all of these shifts and experiences?

51. Refining 55. Alignment 63. Regeneration.

51. Refining is the kundalini opening, the snake rising up through the social construct of “the face,” the persona, illuminating the crown chakra. It is the tempering fires of chaos and order, of golden re-illumination. The shadows and the light held in the delicate and regenerative balance of yin and yang, active and receptive energies. There is the “light at the beginning of the tunnel” as Stacey Robyn said to me, the ascension process through which we become divinity incarnate, lights at the beginning of the tunnels, illuminated holy humans. 51. Refining and 55. Alignment are both from the Offering section within the Oracle, the stage where you have integrated, balanced and surrendered yourself to such a degree that now your unique gifts and talents become a sacred offering to the collective.  You returned from the hero’s journey, ready to bring the wisdom of the quest back to the tribe.

55. Alignment is another card speaking to the process of integrated wholeness. Alignment is the pathway up or down the sacred ladder of life, the levels of development within the tree of life as you  mediate between the worlds. You have surrendered to your truth and destiny, you are the traveler between the realms who is both archetypal and mundane, skeletal and animate; a reclining Days of the Dead skeleton delighting in the life-death-life cycle of decay and regeneration.

63. Regeneration is your existence as a Rainbow Web Dreamer. You are fully vibrating your own rhythms, your own multidimensional brilliance. Every act, every though, every impulse feeds your works for the collective. Your life is joy and magic and creative force, without the differentiation of culture, class or ego construct. You are One.

I have dedicated myself to apprenticing to the wild and integrative forces of co-creative visions, claiming the blessings and gifts within this challenging loss. Today, I would not change any of it, and this took me almost this long to hold that. This complexity does not disregard my profound love and connection to Christopher, his beautiful family, and the life we shared together, and yet my soul has been freed to a much larger potential than I could have ever dreamed.

Today I honor you Christopher, and also one of my family members who passed yesterday as well. The oldest sibling in my mother’s Scandinavian lineage, my Aunt Nancy died yesterday quietly in her home. I read once that the compliments we give others are actually reflections of ourselves. Aunt Nancy once said about Christopher, “He is a class act.” Well, right back at yah Nancy, rest in peace.

The Scandinavians-Aunt Nancy is second from the left, between my mother and Grandma Maxine with Rusty

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds”  The Notebook

Thank you for everything Chris, it was ALL a blessing.

  9 comments for “I am 8 Years Old Today

  1. Abby Soley
    May 15, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    I love you Honey, you just profoundly amazing!


  2. PATTY
    May 15, 2010 at 4:30 am



  3. May 14, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Dearest,Happy Birthday/Deathday/Creation-Sustaining-Evolution Day.
    I honored the New Moon with a spread, which left me with “Wandering” as the giftcard….the packing is happing, the road calls me forth.

    Thank and bless you and St. Christopher.


  4. sonya
    May 14, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Thank you for your creative life, for so fully investing in choosing the blessing. Your work is inspired, and rich, and you honor Chris with its beauty and grace.


  5. Helen
    May 14, 2010 at 12:22 am



  6. Angela
    May 13, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Isn’t it amazing when we come to that place of recognizing the blessing of everything in our lives. A wise one said to me, “It sounds like you’ve had a life rich in tragedy.” I said “Yes.” Love and blessings on this sacred day of remembering and thanks giving. Angela


  7. May 13, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    I am so moved by this blog – you have made gold out of something most people would see as lead – you are a true alchemist. Happy B.day!


  8. May 13, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    A wonderful tribute to him–thanks for sharing your inspirational story.


  9. Lyric
    May 13, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    I love you Melissa – you inspire me!



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